vociferous raconteur

There are too many thoughts in the air. People stare off like there is empty space but there is no...

Sun, 19 May 2013 18:54:44 -0400

There are too many thoughts in the air. People stare off like there is empty space but there is no space. Every molecule of the air shudders and twitches with thought, with songs stuck in their heads, dreams in the rhythm of slow breathing and snores, worries, hopes, to-do lists, plans, reflections of the day, memories of the past, fantasies. Sometimes it is a music I love to hear. But lately they are out-of-tune, dissonant, disorienting, and I am forgetting myself. I have a constant headache.

I don't dream of you anymore.

Tue, 12 Mar 2013 04:45:05 -0400

I dream that I am falling into darkness, heart pounding, blood filled with the terrified anticipation of the ground, the stop, the end that never seems to come. I am more than falling — faster than gravity I am dragged into the dark, through the dark, pulled by the monster of the abyss into its depth, drowning in darkness, only darkness. The air is hot and humid and suffocating and I’m shivering with fever. My body strains, my lungs scream, my ears ring as I am helplessly ripped out of the world. But at least I don’t dream of you anymore.

Trees

Mon, 11 Mar 2013 01:50:37 -0400

She is the oak tree, strong and confident, thick and unmovable. She spreads wide and high, soaks in the sun, basks in the rain. She is layered with stories to tell.

And I am the birch, too thin to hang on to anything of meaning, only the mosses of fear and my own peeling bark skin. I am sick to the core, infested with the rot of depression, cracking under the weight of the snow.

She speaks with solitude in her throat. She covers the light inside of her, keeps it in her dark...

Sun, 03 Mar 2013 03:15:09 -0500

She speaks with solitude in her throat. She covers the light inside of her, keeps it in her dark desert heart where no one can stifle it, stores it away all for herself. She is nooks and crevices and crannies, all sorts of parts and she never lets anyone discover them all. She only reveals one piece at a time. She is magician. You watch one hand and you miss the play, the trick that the other hand tucked away. Suddenly it’s over and you didn’t even know it happened.

I know we don’t talk anymore and maybe we won’t ever talk again but jesus christ I...

Sat, 02 Mar 2013 00:06:22 -0500

I know we don’t talk anymore and maybe we won’t ever talk again

but jesus christ I can’t describe how it feels to know that you got the fuck out of that place

to know that you are alive and living and free

so strong and beautiful and filled with love and hope and heart

like the wide-open country sky and the sloping mountains and all their secret caves

to know that you did not give up and lay down like all the rest

and god, that’s all I ever wanted for you.

This is all I want. You in bed with me, under the sheets, in your cute little shorts, your hair...

Mon, 25 Feb 2013 02:05:10 -0500

This is all I want. You in bed with me, under the sheets, in your cute little shorts, your hair smelling so good, your body feeling so soft. You here with me, in my arms, or me in yours, with nothing on our minds. This is the only thing I want to happen. I wish and wish and wish that the world would fade away and all our worries would disappear and this would go on forever.

Voicemail.

Sat, 12 Jan 2013 04:16:34 -0500

Today I listened to my phone’s messages for the first time since we stopped talking. There was a message from you and as soon as I heard your voice, my heart stopped. My whole world shifted. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t cry right there on the street, where everyone could see me. I pressed the button to repeat it even though I heard you perfectly, just because it was you. It was you. Your voice. I couldn’t breathe. I listened to it again and saved it.

I can’t believe that you tried to call me. I can’t believe I have been hurting so bad, missing you, trying to convince myself to forget. I can’t believe that I have forced myself not to bring you up in conversation, forced myself not to drive right up to your front door and knock. I can’t believe how much I have been hating myself and I could have just called you any time. I could have called you back. I missed my fucking chance. I missed my chance and now I’ll never have another. It’s as if I’ve lost you all over again.

Months ago we went to a Halloween party and we were running around and you were sweating and your...

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 02:00:39 -0500

Months ago we went to a Halloween party and we were running around and you were sweating and your makeup was running into your eyes and I offered for you to use the edge of my cloak to wipe it away and you said no.

But then when we were sitting down and you looked at me, I saw how your eyes were watery and red from the makeup dripping and stinging and you looked so cute and we were having such a nice time so I reached down to the end of my cloak and reached up to your face and I wiped away the makeup from your eyelids.

The white makeup stood out against the dark cloak and you apologized and I said, “Don’t worry, I can wash it.”

But I never did.

Until today.

Today I washed away my last piece of you.

I have been just going, going, going and now that I have stopped everything has hit me.

Thu, 10 Jan 2013 00:19:19 -0500

I have been just going, going, going and now that I have stopped everything has hit me.

Back to the old ways. I puncture and compress. I am somewhere outside of myself and yet I’m...

Mon, 07 Jan 2013 02:00:11 -0500

Back to the old ways. I puncture and compress. I am somewhere outside of myself and yet I’m trapped in this body.

I am heavy and weak. I am trying too hard.

I have no room left in my heart. Not even enough room to feel sympathy. Not even to pity myself.

There is nothing in me now. Only empty noise and devastated remains.

I hate you. I hate that you left me this way. You couldn’t even let me down easy. You have...

Sun, 06 Jan 2013 14:35:47 -0500

I hate you. I hate that you left me this way. You couldn’t even let me down easy. You have filled me with fury. You have left me spewing despicable bullshit about what a fucking victim I am.

Every brief pause in my day is filled with the word ALONE ALONE ALONE and it is the worst fucking word I have ever known. It is the most crippingly, drippingly disgusting word, made all the worse because I am not a weak fucking victim. I am not sitting by myself, empty and sorrowful and hopeless. I am a much worse type of alone. I am alone with my hatred, my anger, my lesson learned, my punishment, my locked door, my thrown-away key. I am the worst type of alone because even if anyone cared, I wouldn’t let them.

When you’re alone, do you think of me?

Sat, 05 Jan 2013 02:00:22 -0500

When you’re alone, do you think of me?

I struggle with indecision over every breath I take. I’m stuck with no wifi hitting refresh on...

Wed, 02 Jan 2013 02:35:14 -0500

I struggle with indecision over every breath I take.

I’m stuck with no wifi hitting refresh on my life.

I can’t fall asleep at night.

I can’t admit the way I feel.

I hold my breath and pretend that I am numb.

If you have nothing left and nothing going for you and no reason to stay where you are then come...

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 04:00:33 -0500

If you have nothing left and nothing going for you and no reason to stay where you are then come with me. Meet me in New York City. I am running away and I want you to run away with me too.

God the hours I have wasted immobilized by the aching despicable plague of wanting someone to talk...

Thu, 27 Dec 2012 02:52:50 -0500

God the hours I have wasted immobilized by the aching despicable plague of wanting someone to talk to.

Hydrogen, helium, lithium, beryllium, boron, carbon, nitrogen, oxygen

Wed, 12 Dec 2012 00:16:17 -0500

I distract myself all day long. I busy my fingers with repetitive tasks, typing and talking about nothing at all. I busy my eyes with books and movies. I busy my mind with cycles and memorization. I practice the alphabet backwards. I practice the periodic table of elements. I practice The Raven. I memorize things forwards and then start trying them backwards. I fill my day with distractions because I’m scared of what happens when I stop.

I am drunk and alone. I am sick and sad. I have no one to talk to but at least I’m getting...

Tue, 11 Dec 2012 02:00:18 -0500

I am drunk and alone. I am sick and sad. I have no one to talk to but at least I’m getting used to that. What’s worse is that I have nothing new to say.

3:30 a.m. is the best time of the day, when all the happy people are stagnant in their beds and all...

Mon, 10 Dec 2012 04:00:15 -0500

3:30 a.m. is the best time of the day, when all the happy people are stagnant in their beds and all the broken hearts stay up and bleed.

Maybe I am just a hard person to love and an easy person to leave.

Sun, 09 Dec 2012 02:00:18 -0500

Maybe I am just a hard person to love and an easy person to leave.

Take it back.

Sat, 08 Dec 2012 01:00:25 -0500

Untie the knots in my stomach, unstain my lips with your kiss, unfill my body with your hope. Uncaress my skin, uninfect my heart. Replace this trust with disgust, this intimacy with fear.

You did this to me. Why won’t you take it away?